Little eyes...

Single parents, we must guard our testimony before our kids.

We must be deliberate and diligent about not just teaching our kids about Jesus, but living out what we believe. We can show them God‘s word. We can put them in Sunday school. We can put them in Christian school. We can teach them right and wrong. But if we as their parents do not live out what we say we believe, there WILL be a negative overflow to our kids. These Bible verses are not meant to just be memorized to get a gold star. God‘s word is meant to be real, live, and active in our lives. If our children do not see us on our knees before God how will they know that we are truly seeking him? As Single parents, we have to be so careful in our dating lives to keep Jesus at the forefront. Our kids will see early on if the person we are dating knows and loves Jesus. Will your love interest be someone that will help point Your children to Christ OR will they contribute to teaching them the ways of the world?  Men, if you were teaching your daughters about self-respect, dignity and modesty and yet they see that you’re dating someone that does not care about these issues, then there is a gap in your testimony. If you are the father of boys and you’re dating a woman that dresses very seductively, how is this being an example to your sons of being a man of integrity in the kind of person you invest time in? Single moms, your children will see your cautiousness, or they will see you just wanting random fun. Let them see in your waiting that you are putting Christ first. Let them see that you KNOW you are a daughter of the King and you can trust Him, trust His heart to provide His best for you. No need to be out being boy crazy searching for a new husband. Let your sons see that there is a difference in the men that you date, that they aren’t just “church guys “, but are men that genuinely love and live for the Lord. Our children are watching us. We can’t just throw our testimony out the window because slacking in this area “is just what we need right now. Every show that they see us watch, every conversation, every date that they’re aware of, needs to reflect Jesus through and through, in front of them, and behind closed doors. 

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,”
‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭12:1 

March 1, 2014

Four months till I turn 40.  I am determined to be in the best shape of my life by then. Starting my fifth week juicing.  I started adding in grilled chicken for dinner because the protein from my romaine lettuce just wasn't cutting it.  I am grateful for the extra energy and that the pounds are falling off.  I am starting to look like myself again.  Woohoo!!!!! Thank you sweet friends, family and fellow "rebooters" for your support.  I have included pictures again of my progress.

God continues to wow me everyday. I am so very grateful that the kids can see the things we pray about at night coming to fruition. I am learning to trust Him in a new way.

Isaiah 43:19

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.

Day 5 of Juicing.  I can NOT believe I made it this far.  By the grace and strength of God 100%!!!
Here is me on day 5. Down 5lbs so far.

Got to wear a pair of jeans from 2 years ago

Face slightly thinner

So excited to try a pair of jeans in the back of the closet today that actually fit.  I have a ways to go but I am happy that I can see some progress already. Bought a new juicer today because I am giving mine back to my friend. Hoping that helps the cleaning process a bit. :-/

What is left after juicing a MEAN GREEN

Juicing Day 2: Well today was a little less fun.  I guess my body is going through detox.  I am anxious to find some recipes I like because it feels like I keep face planting into a garden every few hours and someone is forcing me to eat grass.  Happy I made it through two days.  One meal at a time they say.
Lost one pound over night.  Really hoping for more progress here soon.   Here is today's "yummy" treat.

Juicing day 1

Day one of juicing has been quite an adventure.  I have juiced twice today so far and then my sink/clog/disposal broke.  Not cool. I am going to press through though. I am posting pictures of my before so I can one day compare it with my amazing after!

Next juice hopefully will be my own version of a V8.  Pray for my self discipline and strength.  I believe I can do this and stay in my budget. I am expecting great things to come out of this.

Here is my list of overall goals.
1  .Lose weight.  Goal 120
2.  Get healthy - that my auto immune issues will fade away.
3.  Be an example to my kids
4.  Have extra energy
5.  Beings smaller and healthier hopefully will lead to me being able to do more with my kids.

Drove my kids through Chick Fil A today.  That was tempting! I persevered though. My goal specifically for today is to make it through today on just the fruit/veggie fast.

The Second Act...

The second act will begin shortly, just after a brief intermission….

 This summer has been a summer of blessings.  It would take too long to list all the ways God has blown me away this summer, but I can testify that God sure does take care of His own.  The last three years have been a roller coaster.  Some valleys, some mountain tops and a whole lot of coasting and clinging to Jesus.  I can say that I have learned to delight in my Savior and in His word in a way I haven’t before.  Being a “good Christian girl”, I frequently had my “quiet times with God” because I knew it was the right thing to do, because I wanted to learn and have that time with Him.  But, I would say through the pain of "being left", I  have truly learned and been able to experience truly delighting in the Lord.  My mother had taught me the Bible verse years ago: “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart” Psalm 37:4.  I even sat through an entire Beth Moore simulcast about that particular verse but don’t think I truly understood the “delighting” part until this year.

A new chapter of my life is beginning shortly.  This end of my Alimony years/Being a stay-at-home mom is soon to be over.  What will I do next?  I haven’t the foggiest! I am praying for wisdom, direction and doors to be opened.  

I continue to learn about forgiveness.  God is so very good to give us extra chances and I am desperately learning and trying to understand how to take that overwhelming sense of gratitude I have to Him for His forgiveness of me, and transfer that to those I know I need to forgive the most. This summer I have been brought to my knees like never before. Having God humble you is just not fun, but I wouldn't trade that experience in for anything.  Whatever it takes to chip away anything in me that needs to be chipped away at...I am willing.

I know my heart’s desire. God knows my heart’s desire. Many of you know my heart’s desire. But only God knows when THAT particular chapter of my life will begin.  But now, during this intermission, I am learning to love my Savior like never before.  I used to watch people in church who I could tell were just praising Jesus with complete abandonment, not a care in the world, just in awe of their King.  I thought that was nice that they were so on fire for Jesus.  But, somewhere in me, I guess I still cared a little bit what people would think if everyone in the church was sitting and I was the only one standing there, hands high in the sky, with tears running down my face.  These days, I can’t seem to make it through church without tears, not the tears of pain and abandonment, but tears of awe and gratitude.  “How great, how awesome is He”!

I have tried to journal the past three years for my kids so they could see all the ways God has provided.  So they would be able to read back one day on how their mommy learned to make God her strength, her joy and her delight.  I know myself,  I know I will probably screw up in some way in the next 24 hours, but Thank God his mercies are new every morning.  Since the divorce rate is so very high these days, I know, sadly, that I will see more people I know go through what I went through. I am definitely not saying I have arrived, but I can say what helped me.  I can share that the only way to make it through is to cling to Jesus, let Him heal your heart and clean out whatever ugly there is inside of you that needs to be cleaned out.

If God ever decides to send romantic love my way, from a man that Loves the Lord above all else, I look forward to honoring God by honoring my future husband.  For now,  I am trying to make my home a Christ centered home.  I am excited though about my kids one day seeing our home led by a man that loves Jesus so very much and can encourage them daily in their walks as well. 

Whatever happens in my future, I know God will be with my family.  I wish I could so clearly convey to my friends who do not know Jesus, just how very real and awesome He is.  He has blown us away this summer.  I have loved the past few weeks being able to tell any single person who would listen about what God has done for me and my kids recently. I just love being able to testify!

Pray for us the next thirty days with all the changes that will be taking place that we continue to grow, delight, and cling to Him.

"I keep my eyes always on the LORD. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken." Psalm 16:8

Held high

I used to be a cheerleader.  Not a very good one...but that is not the point of this blog.  I talked to someone recently who said my mother and I were the unsinkable Molly Browns (Titanic reference).  I thought this was awesome.  My mother and I have been through a lot the last few years.  In the middle of the night that this dear lady told me that, I woke up and was deep in thought. We have been unsinkable but not because of our own strength.  We have made it through so far because of relying on Christ.  I was trying to figure out the right analogy for how God has sustained me through all this.  It made me think of cheerleading. I pictured a Arabesque cheerleading stunt.  I first thought that God was my "spotter", but then I realized that that word wasn't exactly right.  A spotter is there to catch you in case you fall.  Sometimes we DO fall, and God is there for us when we do.  But then I decided that God is my "base".  He is the one that holds me high and sustains me.  I have to admit I am a little wobbly up there...not because my Base isn't secure, but because sometimes I start looking around and forget to stay focused.  My Base is more like a rock...unwavering, unchanging, and always 100% strong and reliable.  I am so grateful for a God that I can truly trust.  My world was rocked back in 2010.  Sometimes that happens.  On Big Brother they always says Expect the Unexpected.  Well shoot...2010 was unexpected.  But my God shall supply all my needs...home, food, $ and some day love.

I am done...PART 2

Here is the verse I have prayed about that I believe God showed to me recently....(thanks Amy and Jennifer) for verification.

The LORD says, “Forget what happened before,
and do not think about the past.
Look at the new thing I am going to do.
It is already happening. Don’t you see it?
I will make a road in the desert
and rivers in the dry land."

Isaiah 43:18-19 NCV


I have no idea what God has in store for me in 2012. No idea at all.  I know what I want, but I know my ways are not HIS ways.  Hopefully this year I will learn to trust HIM with my heart and my life and all that that includes.


So in 2012, I am done trying to do it all on my own.  I will learn to lean... watch this..


http://youtu.be/R7BAfzrWnZU

Staying on the path

Well I just noticed that I have not update my blog in a while.  Since December, a lot has changed.  I feel as though God has continued to heal my heart from past hurts and is teaching me to trust Him and enjoy Him more than ever.  Some people I was close to this time last year I am not close to now which is sad, but I know sometimes friendships are for a season.  I am learning more about God's grace and what that truly means.  It is a word that has been part of our "churchese" for years but I think I know its depth now more than ever.  I have seen so many families fall apart this year.  It has to break God's heart every time that happens.  We have to ask ourselves if we truly believe what we say we believe then it has to affect every area of our lives.  Enough with the giving yourself exceptions or justifying away your actions...God says if we love Him we will follow His commands.  I want to do this, not because I am trying to appear like a good girl and follow all the rules, but because I want Him pleased with me.  I don't want to disappoint Him.  This is a time for me to focus on what lies ahead and "throw off everything that hinders".  This journey of faith isn't an easy one.  This journey as a single woman with Lupus and mother of three little ones,  reallllllly not an easy one.  But God continues to provide, continues to sustain and continues to be faithful.

2011-The year of preparation.

It is time to write down my thoughts. This morning my father said to me (with props/visual aids) that you have to stop trying to give your heart to someone if they keep saying "no thank you" and then try again and they say no thank you....eventually you will meet someone and without even thinking or planning it you will each want to talk to each other more and will both be giving the "heart cup" back and forth to each other and it won't have to be pushed, or rejected or even planned. This is wise advice.

BTW: Did I mention today's post is more of a journal entry.

I spoke with one of my dearest friends this week and said that I seem to have a pattern of really wanting someone after they reject me, even more so than before. So, this is not a good healthy pattern. I have had too much heart ache in the last year...from 1) someone who had promised to love me and then 2) from someone else that I believed actually did. (didn't see that one coming)

So what now? I wait, I prepare myself for the prince to come that God has for me. If I knew that one year today we would meet then down the line live happily ever after, what would I do in preparation. I would heal from my hurts, I would spend that time with God every day that I know I need to spend, I would get healthy/skinny/in shape so on my wedding day I am not horrified by the pictures and so I don't mind someone seeing me naked!! Oh come on, you knew that was coming from me! So, I have decided that 2011 is the year of preparation. A time to start good patterns and let go of old ones, let go of lost loves, lost hurts and lost gift cards (that I really wish would appear so I could go shopping for new skinny 2012 me).

I also need to make the most of my time with my children now, not wait and hold out to make fun memories once there is a man around. Lord, Help me with that one! (as well as all the other things I mentioned above).

Preparations have begun...

Online Dating

Well I have been divorced for a month and have been doing a little research in the world of online dating. Here are my thoughts:

1. No picture = realllllly ugly

2. Picture where they are the size of an ant - not a good sign

3. Instant messaging = guys get to bug you to see if you want to have the "sexy talk"

4. No one looks like what they say they look like.

5. If someone is long winded online they will be unbearably chatty in person.

6. If someone asks if you want to see some "fun pictures", he doesn't mean pictures of his new kitten or pictures at his niece's birthday party.

That's all. Felt compelled to share.

Suddenly Single

I have told those close to me over the past few months that I have felt like I am standing on the beach with my feet stuck in the sand. I am standing there waiting for a huge tidal wave to come and crash down upon me and there is nothing I can do but stand there and wait. Well it has been ten days since my divorce became final. So far I am doing alright. The tidal wave wasn't as bad as I was expecting. More like a small painful ripple. The preliminary "big moments" were actually worse. I have never in my life thrown up because of stress but ended up pulling my car over more than once during the six months of separation.
Here is what I have learned so far...
1. You really do feel better after you barf. :-)
2. God really does carry us through the hard times.
3. I must trust Him for my daily manna in multiple categories.
4. I am guessing dating in my mid thirties is going to be way different then when I was 20.
5. You really find out who your friends are when you go through a big life crisis like this. I think I have blogged about that point before but DUDE it needed to be mentioned again.
6. It is amazing how you can bond with random people at the Dr.'s, the bank, etc. by mentioning your going through a divorce.
7. After watching the musical Respect this weekend, I was contemplative if I am going to be the kind of girl that sits by the phone this time around and waits for Mr. Fabulous to call or if I am going to live my life and not let those things consume me. I am voting for option B. I deserve respect this time around. I deserve to be told I am beautiful. I deserve to be adored and gosh darnit I am kinda looking forward to all that!!!
8. I have heard so many stories of people leaving churches because of some little thing they didn't agree with or because someone hurt their feelings or judged them etc.... so I would like to add NO church is perfect. There will be no perfect group of friends or perfect pastor anywhere. We all need to get over it. There will be people that will judge how I handle my new singleness. How long to wait to date... etc. There seem to be so many unspoken rules that I can't seem to know them all or get them all right. But I have been really impressed with how most of the believers I know have treated me so far through all this. This is the time when we need each other's love and support. We need to "fill in the gap" for each other. That is what we are supposed to be doing as Christians not sitting around on our catookis pointing fingers. Just my opinion. Thank you to all my sweet friends who have gone to court with me, sent emails, sent flowers, sent enchiladas (w00 hoo), bought me Sangria etc. I am so very very grateful for all the support large or small. Love ya! Kiss Kiss!
9. My next blog will NOT be titled Sex In The City. hee hee. But maybe I can make a fun blog of my dating adventures. Details to follow... Till then don't worry about those tidal waves. Their bark is worse than their bite.

Put down the laptop!

Ok. So apparently I have a problem. A "staying connected to the world at all times" problem. I am constantly texting or on my computer. I need to find another hobby. Maybe this is a stay at home mom thing. Here are the things I have learned this month:

1. It really really sucks to want what you can't have.

2. People are generally not what they appear to be at first introduction.

3. A special memory for you may not mean "squat" to someone else.

4. Almost Nothing beats a girls night out!

5. Everyone has baggage. Some are heavier and more twisted than others.

6. I really need to learn to swim better.

7. I want to become a spy. Female James Bond/Jennifer Garner in Alias kiss butt type.

8. What happens in Vegas isn't always fun.

9. Just because you never liked onions before doesn't mean that one day they won't be all you can think about.

10. I really do look best in self portraits.

11. If you have a messed up sense of humor, which I am proud of, Tosh.O is really the funniest show ever.

I had the thought, that I should avoid my technology for the week and spend time cleaning, or organizing or packing up Matt's crap. But instead I decided to write about how I will try to stop writing and texting for a few hours. Then and only then when I feel like being done wasting time. I will go work out like crazy. I could be officially single here before fall and gosh darnit I am gonna look goooooooooood.

Serenity exists

There is something very serene about sitting by the water and contemplating one's life. The summer has just begun for Lily and will start soon for Samantha as well. I think it is going to be a great summer actually. I feel like since Matthew has left I have actually begun to enjoy my children more than ever. One of many silver linings amidst the storm. I have a new list of goals and none of them have to do with making sure my bath tub is clean. Yeah!! This is going to be the summer of fun. Hopefully free fun. I feel blessed to have some great new friends that I truly believe God brought into my life at just the right time. He is so good at doing that. At the end of the summer I would like to say that I had a great time with my kids and that I am a better person as of August than I was at the end of May. I believe now is the best time to change whatever I need to change about myself and stay focused on being who God wants me to be, not being who others want me to be on their "what Tara needs to change" list.

That reminds me of a song...

It is a hot sunny Saturday afternoon. I am going through my girls' room finding clothes they don't wear anymore to ship off to Goodwill. I have my iTunes music library on continuous play but keep having to come into the room to hit the skip button. Today, as like many days this month, I am feeling contemplative. Some people do not wear their heart on their sleeve like I do but that is just how I was built. I like people to know that I am real and transparent an if my world feels like it is falling apart, it probably will be hard for me to hide. I do NOT truly feel that my world IS falling apart right now though. Things are tough for sure. I feel like I am now completely responsible for three little kiddos in the category of building their character, identity, self worth, social skills, spiritual upbringing etc. I could go on. I have a responsibility even bigger than before. But as God reminded me around 3 in the morning the other night. I am NOT doing it all alone. Although sometimes it does feel like that, I try not to go by feelings. They can't be trusted. I am also reminded of a song by Truth from the early nineties called "Keep Believing" it goes like this...

Keep believing, no matter what you do. Keep believing you know the Lord will see you through, when there are trials, in your life and you don't know what to do, you'll be fine if you just keep believing.

I have had well intended people remind me recently that God will not give us more than we can handle. Although I believe they are quoting a verse in the Bible that is about temptation, I do know that I can handle it all "In Christ". Which reminds me of a song by..... that says,
In Christ I can do all things
In Christ

I mount up on eagle's wings
In Christ I wait for a great reward
That I have in store
In Christ I have His righteousness
In Christ I have what I confess
In Christ I don't worry about all the rest
Cause everything I need to be is in Christ. by Big Daddy Weave.

The best reminders of course are from God's word. A place I need to spend lots more time in for sure. I know that I know I would be more at peace with my future if I did.

Lamentations 3:22-24
The unfailing love of the LORD never ends! By his mercies we have been kept from complete destruction. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each day. I say to myself, "The LORD is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!"

I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if God will work the way I want him to, BUT IF HE DOESN'T, He will take care of me. He will take care of my finances. He will take care of my children. He will take care of my heart. He will take care of my future and all that is going to happen.

I sat in my grandfather's funeral recently and sang these words, "All I have needed thy had hath provided, Great is thy faithfullness Lord unto me.

For those following my drama, please continue to pray for all involved, for the comfort of my children, for Matt and for me. Pray that God will change whatever needs to be changed in all of our hearts and that we make honoring Him more important than anything else. Until then...

Weight loss challenge - day 1

Well I decided to start blogging about my weight loss journey. I gained 75 pounds with this last pregnancy and was already 25 past where I wanted to be when I got pregnant. Here is my babyfit.com blog....

http://my.babyfit.com/tlee32%20 check it out!

The Van

Well today is the day. I go from the driver of a Nissan Altima to a Plymouth Voyager minivan. The van (minus the engine)was given to us by my mother when she bought a new one and we just used our tax refund to get it a engine. This afternoon we go to pick it up. I am so very grateful for this so that this soon to be family of five (holy cow) can ride together in the car. Have to admit I am having a mini identity crisis. It will be over by tomorrow I am sure. .

I was trying to think of ways that I could "funk it out" a bit but realize that may just make it look stupid. I am sure there is some way to try to make it my own, not sure what that is yet. I actually googled "how to make your minivan seem cooler" and there weren't any answers!!! There was one article saying that minivans are evil though. I hope one day we can upgrade to an SUV of sorts.

I am grateful that God has blessed me with little ones and hope to be the best mommy ever to them. It is a learning process for sure. I do not have it all figured out yet. I keep having to apologize for different things. Thankfully my sweet children say things like, "It is ok mommy, I forgive you". I am reading through and studying Esther right now. I am reminded of when Mordecai is encouraging Esther to get on with it and says something like, "who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?" I will just have to consider this minivan my "throne", or my chariot. It is a symbol of God's blessings. My reminder of the stage of my life I am in, be thankful for it and truly treasure every moment of it. From car line to playground.

I may add some funky daisies to the mirror or a kickin' stereo just for fun.

Well duh!!!!

God gave me another ah-ha moment today. I was frustrated with Lily. I had told her for the trillionth time to not jump on the sofa or she would fall and get hurt. I told her she shouldn't even be standing up there. It was a baaaaaaad idea. Of course I left for a minute and heard the thud and then the crying. I came back in, consoled her and had a chat with her. I reminded her that mommy and daddy make up the rules to help them to not get hurt. She didn't listen to me, she did what she wanted "thinking it was safe" and ended up getting hurt. Trying to show compassion I didn't say anything to her like "Well duh!!!!". I was instantly taken to a conversation with God about the same thing. He doesn't make up his guidelines to be a cosmic kill joy. He knows what is best for us and doesn't want us to get hurt. Makes me feel so completely stupid that I myself act like a two year old still at times with my life. I am so grateful that God is compassionate with me and I pray that I will become that compassionate with my children. Sadly we don't have the ah-has until we fall off the sofa, bang our head on the coffee table and get dizzy as we cry in pain. That old country song about "one step forward and two steps back" feels like my my life pretty much from 18 on. Consistently inconsistent. It is what I am good at. Hopefully, prayerfully I will get better at this with age. I hope to be an example to my children of not doing the same stupid thing over and over and getting hurt over and over without "getting a clue". I want the clue. I want wisdom and discernment. I want to grow and actually be in a different place this time next week, next month, next year...I know how to get there, I just keep tripping.

Thank you Father for reminding me of your faithful, compassionate love for me and for knowing what is best for me, even now.

Things to do before I die.

List of things I want to do before I die...

(not in any special order)

1. Learn how to surf.
2. Sing the national anthem in a big stadium
3. Be on a billboard
4. Write a book
5. Go to Capri, Italy
6. Number 6 is a GREAT one but I am not gonna reveal it to ya. ;)
7. Learn how to cook seafood. Never done it.
8. Be able to do a back hand spring (could never get it in HS, all the other cheerleaders could)
9. Take my kids with me on a mission trip.


I am sure there is more, I just can't think of them today. TTFN.

T'lee

Did I just say that?

So you have probably heard of the phrase, "having diarrhea of the mouth", right? I realize that is a crude visual so I apologize. But, my point in bringing this is is I have a pattern with my blogging to say something and then wake up the next morning and wish I could erase whatever I just shared the night before. It reminds me of the first boy I said "I love you" to in high school who replied with, "That's cute!" Yikes! There is just no rewind button on life. Thankfully I am great at keeping others secrets in case you were wondering. I am just great at sharing a lot of info. about my heart and my life and wearing it all on my sleeve. Some people appreciate this. They know they can talk to me about anything and that I dont' have a topic that is really off limits. Some people don't really appreciate my candor about everything. OH well, what are you gonna do. I thought I'd add a few things to the "Things I love list", just for kicks and giggles. So here goes...don't worry I won't mention anything "INAPPROPRIATE". That is on a completely different blog, just kiddin'.

1. I love laying in my nicely remodeled spa tub (with awesome jets)reading People magazine.
2.I love My pillow. It is a special kind with a hole in the middle. Got it for Christmas. Matt bought one for me because my good buddy Michele had one so I wanted one too. :-) It rocks. It is like having a DVR, once you have one you can never go back. I had a Garfield comic for years on my fridge that had Garfield saying, "Eating makes me sleepy, sleeping makes me hungry, Life is good". So true.
3. I love Dessert at Melting Pot. Matt knows at this stage in our marriage to not interrupt my enjoyment of the fondue experience with chit chat. I like to close my eyes and really savor the chocolate. OK, moving on...
4. I love musical movies. Hairspray, Moulan Rouge, Grease 2, Sister Act 2 and even HSM 2. I apparently am a fan of musical sequels since I really prefer all the second ones. The best of the best is Cool Rider from Grease 2. I imagine it is me up on that ladder singing my heart out.

Good night friends and family, rest well. Gonna go read my People Magazine now.