Held high

I used to be a cheerleader.  Not a very good one...but that is not the point of this blog.  I talked to someone recently who said my mother and I were the unsinkable Molly Browns (Titanic reference).  I thought this was awesome.  My mother and I have been through a lot the last few years.  In the middle of the night that this dear lady told me that, I woke up and was deep in thought. We have been unsinkable but not because of our own strength.  We have made it through so far because of relying on Christ.  I was trying to figure out the right analogy for how God has sustained me through all this.  It made me think of cheerleading. I pictured a Arabesque cheerleading stunt.  I first thought that God was my "spotter", but then I realized that that word wasn't exactly right.  A spotter is there to catch you in case you fall.  Sometimes we DO fall, and God is there for us when we do.  But then I decided that God is my "base".  He is the one that holds me high and sustains me.  I have to admit I am a little wobbly up there...not because my Base isn't secure, but because sometimes I start looking around and forget to stay focused.  My Base is more like a rock...unwavering, unchanging, and always 100% strong and reliable.  I am so grateful for a God that I can truly trust.  My world was rocked back in 2010.  Sometimes that happens.  On Big Brother they always says Expect the Unexpected.  Well shoot...2010 was unexpected.  But my God shall supply all my needs...home, food, $ and some day love.

2011-The year of preparation.

It is time to write down my thoughts. This morning my father said to me (with props/visual aids) that you have to stop trying to give your heart to someone if they keep saying "no thank you" and then try again and they say no thank you....eventually you will meet someone and without even thinking or planning it you will each want to talk to each other more and will both be giving the "heart cup" back and forth to each other and it won't have to be pushed, or rejected or even planned. This is wise advice.

BTW: Did I mention today's post is more of a journal entry.

I spoke with one of my dearest friends this week and said that I seem to have a pattern of really wanting someone after they reject me, even more so than before. So, this is not a good healthy pattern. I have had too much heart ache in the last year...from 1) someone who had promised to love me and then 2) from someone else that I believed actually did. (didn't see that one coming)

So what now? I wait, I prepare myself for the prince to come that God has for me. If I knew that one year today we would meet then down the line live happily ever after, what would I do in preparation. I would heal from my hurts, I would spend that time with God every day that I know I need to spend, I would get healthy/skinny/in shape so on my wedding day I am not horrified by the pictures and so I don't mind someone seeing me naked!! Oh come on, you knew that was coming from me! So, I have decided that 2011 is the year of preparation. A time to start good patterns and let go of old ones, let go of lost loves, lost hurts and lost gift cards (that I really wish would appear so I could go shopping for new skinny 2012 me).

I also need to make the most of my time with my children now, not wait and hold out to make fun memories once there is a man around. Lord, Help me with that one! (as well as all the other things I mentioned above).

Preparations have begun...

Online Dating

Well I have been divorced for a month and have been doing a little research in the world of online dating. Here are my thoughts:

1. No picture = realllllly ugly

2. Picture where they are the size of an ant - not a good sign

3. Instant messaging = guys get to bug you to see if you want to have the "sexy talk"

4. No one looks like what they say they look like.

5. If someone is long winded online they will be unbearably chatty in person.

6. If someone asks if you want to see some "fun pictures", he doesn't mean pictures of his new kitten or pictures at his niece's birthday party.

That's all. Felt compelled to share.

Suddenly Single

I have told those close to me over the past few months that I have felt like I am standing on the beach with my feet stuck in the sand. I am standing there waiting for a huge tidal wave to come and crash down upon me and there is nothing I can do but stand there and wait. Well it has been ten days since my divorce became final. So far I am doing alright. The tidal wave wasn't as bad as I was expecting. More like a small painful ripple. The preliminary "big moments" were actually worse. I have never in my life thrown up because of stress but ended up pulling my car over more than once during the six months of separation.
Here is what I have learned so far...
1. You really do feel better after you barf. :-)
2. God really does carry us through the hard times.
3. I must trust Him for my daily manna in multiple categories.
4. I am guessing dating in my mid thirties is going to be way different then when I was 20.
5. You really find out who your friends are when you go through a big life crisis like this. I think I have blogged about that point before but DUDE it needed to be mentioned again.
6. It is amazing how you can bond with random people at the Dr.'s, the bank, etc. by mentioning your going through a divorce.
7. After watching the musical Respect this weekend, I was contemplative if I am going to be the kind of girl that sits by the phone this time around and waits for Mr. Fabulous to call or if I am going to live my life and not let those things consume me. I am voting for option B. I deserve respect this time around. I deserve to be told I am beautiful. I deserve to be adored and gosh darnit I am kinda looking forward to all that!!!
8. I have heard so many stories of people leaving churches because of some little thing they didn't agree with or because someone hurt their feelings or judged them etc.... so I would like to add NO church is perfect. There will be no perfect group of friends or perfect pastor anywhere. We all need to get over it. There will be people that will judge how I handle my new singleness. How long to wait to date... etc. There seem to be so many unspoken rules that I can't seem to know them all or get them all right. But I have been really impressed with how most of the believers I know have treated me so far through all this. This is the time when we need each other's love and support. We need to "fill in the gap" for each other. That is what we are supposed to be doing as Christians not sitting around on our catookis pointing fingers. Just my opinion. Thank you to all my sweet friends who have gone to court with me, sent emails, sent flowers, sent enchiladas (w00 hoo), bought me Sangria etc. I am so very very grateful for all the support large or small. Love ya! Kiss Kiss!
9. My next blog will NOT be titled Sex In The City. hee hee. But maybe I can make a fun blog of my dating adventures. Details to follow... Till then don't worry about those tidal waves. Their bark is worse than their bite.

Put down the laptop!

Ok. So apparently I have a problem. A "staying connected to the world at all times" problem. I am constantly texting or on my computer. I need to find another hobby. Maybe this is a stay at home mom thing. Here are the things I have learned this month:

1. It really really sucks to want what you can't have.

2. People are generally not what they appear to be at first introduction.

3. A special memory for you may not mean "squat" to someone else.

4. Almost Nothing beats a girls night out!

5. Everyone has baggage. Some are heavier and more twisted than others.

6. I really need to learn to swim better.

7. I want to become a spy. Female James Bond/Jennifer Garner in Alias kiss butt type.

8. What happens in Vegas isn't always fun.

9. Just because you never liked onions before doesn't mean that one day they won't be all you can think about.

10. I really do look best in self portraits.

11. If you have a messed up sense of humor, which I am proud of, Tosh.O is really the funniest show ever.

I had the thought, that I should avoid my technology for the week and spend time cleaning, or organizing or packing up Matt's crap. But instead I decided to write about how I will try to stop writing and texting for a few hours. Then and only then when I feel like being done wasting time. I will go work out like crazy. I could be officially single here before fall and gosh darnit I am gonna look goooooooooood.

Serenity exists

There is something very serene about sitting by the water and contemplating one's life. The summer has just begun for Lily and will start soon for Samantha as well. I think it is going to be a great summer actually. I feel like since Matthew has left I have actually begun to enjoy my children more than ever. One of many silver linings amidst the storm. I have a new list of goals and none of them have to do with making sure my bath tub is clean. Yeah!! This is going to be the summer of fun. Hopefully free fun. I feel blessed to have some great new friends that I truly believe God brought into my life at just the right time. He is so good at doing that. At the end of the summer I would like to say that I had a great time with my kids and that I am a better person as of August than I was at the end of May. I believe now is the best time to change whatever I need to change about myself and stay focused on being who God wants me to be, not being who others want me to be on their "what Tara needs to change" list.

That reminds me of a song...

It is a hot sunny Saturday afternoon. I am going through my girls' room finding clothes they don't wear anymore to ship off to Goodwill. I have my iTunes music library on continuous play but keep having to come into the room to hit the skip button. Today, as like many days this month, I am feeling contemplative. Some people do not wear their heart on their sleeve like I do but that is just how I was built. I like people to know that I am real and transparent an if my world feels like it is falling apart, it probably will be hard for me to hide. I do NOT truly feel that my world IS falling apart right now though. Things are tough for sure. I feel like I am now completely responsible for three little kiddos in the category of building their character, identity, self worth, social skills, spiritual upbringing etc. I could go on. I have a responsibility even bigger than before. But as God reminded me around 3 in the morning the other night. I am NOT doing it all alone. Although sometimes it does feel like that, I try not to go by feelings. They can't be trusted. I am also reminded of a song by Truth from the early nineties called "Keep Believing" it goes like this...

Keep believing, no matter what you do. Keep believing you know the Lord will see you through, when there are trials, in your life and you don't know what to do, you'll be fine if you just keep believing.

I have had well intended people remind me recently that God will not give us more than we can handle. Although I believe they are quoting a verse in the Bible that is about temptation, I do know that I can handle it all "In Christ". Which reminds me of a song by..... that says,
In Christ I can do all things
In Christ

I mount up on eagle's wings
In Christ I wait for a great reward
That I have in store
In Christ I have His righteousness
In Christ I have what I confess
In Christ I don't worry about all the rest
Cause everything I need to be is in Christ. by Big Daddy Weave.

The best reminders of course are from God's word. A place I need to spend lots more time in for sure. I know that I know I would be more at peace with my future if I did.

Lamentations 3:22-24
The unfailing love of the LORD never ends! By his mercies we have been kept from complete destruction. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each day. I say to myself, "The LORD is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!"

I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if God will work the way I want him to, BUT IF HE DOESN'T, He will take care of me. He will take care of my finances. He will take care of my children. He will take care of my heart. He will take care of my future and all that is going to happen.

I sat in my grandfather's funeral recently and sang these words, "All I have needed thy had hath provided, Great is thy faithfullness Lord unto me.

For those following my drama, please continue to pray for all involved, for the comfort of my children, for Matt and for me. Pray that God will change whatever needs to be changed in all of our hearts and that we make honoring Him more important than anything else. Until then...

Weight loss challenge - day 1

Well I decided to start blogging about my weight loss journey. I gained 75 pounds with this last pregnancy and was already 25 past where I wanted to be when I got pregnant. Here is my babyfit.com blog....

http://my.babyfit.com/tlee32%20 check it out!

The Van

Well today is the day. I go from the driver of a Nissan Altima to a Plymouth Voyager minivan. The van (minus the engine)was given to us by my mother when she bought a new one and we just used our tax refund to get it a engine. This afternoon we go to pick it up. I am so very grateful for this so that this soon to be family of five (holy cow) can ride together in the car. Have to admit I am having a mini identity crisis. It will be over by tomorrow I am sure. .

I was trying to think of ways that I could "funk it out" a bit but realize that may just make it look stupid. I am sure there is some way to try to make it my own, not sure what that is yet. I actually googled "how to make your minivan seem cooler" and there weren't any answers!!! There was one article saying that minivans are evil though. I hope one day we can upgrade to an SUV of sorts.

I am grateful that God has blessed me with little ones and hope to be the best mommy ever to them. It is a learning process for sure. I do not have it all figured out yet. I keep having to apologize for different things. Thankfully my sweet children say things like, "It is ok mommy, I forgive you". I am reading through and studying Esther right now. I am reminded of when Mordecai is encouraging Esther to get on with it and says something like, "who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?" I will just have to consider this minivan my "throne", or my chariot. It is a symbol of God's blessings. My reminder of the stage of my life I am in, be thankful for it and truly treasure every moment of it. From car line to playground.

I may add some funky daisies to the mirror or a kickin' stereo just for fun.

Well duh!!!!

God gave me another ah-ha moment today. I was frustrated with Lily. I had told her for the trillionth time to not jump on the sofa or she would fall and get hurt. I told her she shouldn't even be standing up there. It was a baaaaaaad idea. Of course I left for a minute and heard the thud and then the crying. I came back in, consoled her and had a chat with her. I reminded her that mommy and daddy make up the rules to help them to not get hurt. She didn't listen to me, she did what she wanted "thinking it was safe" and ended up getting hurt. Trying to show compassion I didn't say anything to her like "Well duh!!!!". I was instantly taken to a conversation with God about the same thing. He doesn't make up his guidelines to be a cosmic kill joy. He knows what is best for us and doesn't want us to get hurt. Makes me feel so completely stupid that I myself act like a two year old still at times with my life. I am so grateful that God is compassionate with me and I pray that I will become that compassionate with my children. Sadly we don't have the ah-has until we fall off the sofa, bang our head on the coffee table and get dizzy as we cry in pain. That old country song about "one step forward and two steps back" feels like my my life pretty much from 18 on. Consistently inconsistent. It is what I am good at. Hopefully, prayerfully I will get better at this with age. I hope to be an example to my children of not doing the same stupid thing over and over and getting hurt over and over without "getting a clue". I want the clue. I want wisdom and discernment. I want to grow and actually be in a different place this time next week, next month, next year...I know how to get there, I just keep tripping.

Thank you Father for reminding me of your faithful, compassionate love for me and for knowing what is best for me, even now.

Things to do before I die.

List of things I want to do before I die...

(not in any special order)

1. Learn how to surf.
2. Sing the national anthem in a big stadium
3. Be on a billboard
4. Write a book
5. Go to Capri, Italy
6. Number 6 is a GREAT one but I am not gonna reveal it to ya. ;)
7. Learn how to cook seafood. Never done it.
8. Be able to do a back hand spring (could never get it in HS, all the other cheerleaders could)
9. Take my kids with me on a mission trip.


I am sure there is more, I just can't think of them today. TTFN.

T'lee

Did I just say that?

So you have probably heard of the phrase, "having diarrhea of the mouth", right? I realize that is a crude visual so I apologize. But, my point in bringing this is is I have a pattern with my blogging to say something and then wake up the next morning and wish I could erase whatever I just shared the night before. It reminds me of the first boy I said "I love you" to in high school who replied with, "That's cute!" Yikes! There is just no rewind button on life. Thankfully I am great at keeping others secrets in case you were wondering. I am just great at sharing a lot of info. about my heart and my life and wearing it all on my sleeve. Some people appreciate this. They know they can talk to me about anything and that I dont' have a topic that is really off limits. Some people don't really appreciate my candor about everything. OH well, what are you gonna do. I thought I'd add a few things to the "Things I love list", just for kicks and giggles. So here goes...don't worry I won't mention anything "INAPPROPRIATE". That is on a completely different blog, just kiddin'.

1. I love laying in my nicely remodeled spa tub (with awesome jets)reading People magazine.
2.I love My pillow. It is a special kind with a hole in the middle. Got it for Christmas. Matt bought one for me because my good buddy Michele had one so I wanted one too. :-) It rocks. It is like having a DVR, once you have one you can never go back. I had a Garfield comic for years on my fridge that had Garfield saying, "Eating makes me sleepy, sleeping makes me hungry, Life is good". So true.
3. I love Dessert at Melting Pot. Matt knows at this stage in our marriage to not interrupt my enjoyment of the fondue experience with chit chat. I like to close my eyes and really savor the chocolate. OK, moving on...
4. I love musical movies. Hairspray, Moulan Rouge, Grease 2, Sister Act 2 and even HSM 2. I apparently am a fan of musical sequels since I really prefer all the second ones. The best of the best is Cool Rider from Grease 2. I imagine it is me up on that ladder singing my heart out.

Good night friends and family, rest well. Gonna go read my People Magazine now.

About an email...

(I wrote this late at night, I hope no one takes it too personally.)

So I got an email tonight that said this...

There comes a point in your life when you realize
who matters,
who never did,
who won't anymore...
and who always will.
So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

I am sure you've gotten this email poem before and will probably again from someone.

If you had read my blog two weeks ago you would know I am realllllly good at worrying about stupid things that end up being no big deal. (This is where Matt chimes in with "That's because you're a woman!" :-) This above little poem thingy got me thinking. Of course it is late and Matt is at station and I have a hard time going to sleep when he is gone. I know that I should probably NOT do my deep thinking now and then broadcast it to all of humanity (my 7 friends that actually read this), but I am doing it the freak anyway because I just don't want to try to sleep yet. Anyway, about the poem. I waste time trying to make friendships happen that maybe were not meant to happen. The whole idea of, "if they aren't banging down your door, sending you emails, calling you etc. I should not be making all the efforts I am making. I know there are some downright amazing people that I really haven't taken enough time to get to know and I really should do that instead. I am blessed by those that DO make the effort. Those that get up early to go to my Lupus walk,(with heart felt tears, thank you), those that sit with me in a hospital waiting room for 8 hours waiting for the Surgeons update, those that love me and listen to me when they KNOW I am making bad choices and yet still love me and listen, to you all I will be forever grateful.

About the line above in the poem about the past...well, I think I will just leave that there.(Unless I can't sleep and I need something to think about ;)

Growing Up in my 30's: Time stand still

Growing Up in my 30's: Time stand still

Time stand still

Time stand still...

In just two days, my precious five year old daughter will start kindergarten. I am so happy that she has survived five years after having such a rough beginning to her little life. But, I am sad that she won't be here at my house to play with all day every day. I know that she is a social child and will love school but I am still a bit bummed about it all. I am amazed at her little mind and her desire to learn new things. I know that she will far exceed our expectations for her. I am not worried about her adjustment, just mine. I remember two years ago when she started preschool. I was desperately wishing I could make time stand still and keep her home with me a little longer. Eventually I got used to and enjoyed having a little time to get stuff done while she was off playing and learning. Kindergarten is a much bigger deal. It is a long day. I know she will get tired and at times will want her mommy. I know God made this sweet girl with a servant's heart and a desire to help others. I can see her sitting by friends showing them how to do things and offering to pick up after others.

The other 2% I am worried about is myself. I confess ahead of time that this is shallow. There are the concerns of "what if all the other moms already know each other?" and "what if they are all available to come help during the day and I can't?" "will I miss out and they will all end up being BFF except me?". "Will they all have on perfect Ann Taylor ironed clothes? " Oh my gosh1 These families might actually iron their clothes? Do I even own an iron? Anyway, the mom factor feels like high school and school hasn't even started yet! High school was not fun the first time and I really don't want to re-live it. At some point I will choose to look at this all with spiritual eyes and pray about it all, but not today. Today I am having a little tiny freak out.

One of my favorite things to do at night with Matthew is go into the girls' room and look at them one more time before we go to bed. They are always sleeping in some funny position and it always makes us giggle. What amazing sweet gifts from God. Arn't you glad that God doesn't give us gifts based upon what we deserve? I never thought I would end up with my own flesh and blood children and now I have not one but two! God is good. He has carried Samantha through so much already I know He will carry her through Kindergarten, and first grade, and second, .....

Making time stand still...

What I am loving this week & more deep thoughts.

Two parts...

Part one...

Things I am loving right now:

1) Magic Eraser

It rocks! I don't understand what it is or how it works. But it does and I love it none the less.

2) Richard Simmons.
Yeah. Yeah. Don't mock me. The man is very encouraging.
He just has a way of saying, " You can do this, I believe in you", and I actually believe him. I understand he is stuck in 1985 but he likes it there so I don't judge him.



3) Aquaphor - read in some beauty magazine that it is an essential for backstage at fashion shows. We use it here in the Oyer house for everything. We put in on our lips to make them soft, our legs to make them moisturized after the shower (kids), and on any other boo boo that shows up.

4) I am loving and missing my sister as always. It is amazing to me that I have so many great friends these days and my sister doesn't know half of them because she lives in freakin' Egypt. I am so excited for her and her new great job but wish she was local to see the girls grow up and be available for coffee talk on a hard day.

This is me picking up my little sister. She is really my big sister because she is older but I call her my little sister because she is only 4'10. I feel like an ogre next to her.



Part two:

Deep thoughts by Tara...
I wish we as women could get inside our husbands brains for just a few minutes to be able to truly understand their thought processes, goals, dreams, aspirations etc. I think their job as husbands, fathers, providers, is such a different role than ours usually is and I think it would be great to get a glimpse of where they truly are at with that responsibility.

and...

I wish men truly understand the difference between telling a woman she is hot and that she is beautiful. I can remember the last ten times someone said I was "beautiful" but not the last ten times someone said I looked "hot". From my single life to my married life, I am just not sure men get it. I know we all love them just the same but it is just one little "glimpse" I wish they understood. Something about being beautiful is flattering in a different way. It acknowledges that there is something of value they see on the inside shining through that makes your outside appearance even more appealing.

These deep thoughts have made me sleepy. Have a spectacular week. comments are welcome. email them to me if you'd rather the whole world not see your deep thoughts posted here on the web. email will be for my eyes only. wink wink. ( I know some of you love Richard Simmons too)

Pursuit of happiness

It is 11:23 in the morning. Where are you? Are you at work taking a break? Are you home listening to kids running around in the background? Are you supposed to be doing something important but are blogging instead? or checking email? What is it that you are hoping will show up? Two nights ago Matt and I went to see the movie 21. It was pretty good. There were questions in the movie about life. Are you really living? What is it in your day that makes you really feel alive? I have multiple things I really enjoy doing but rarely get to do these things. Singing, dancing, being on stage/on camera etc. I like the thrill of the thrill and like to feel alive. There was a man at the theater saturday that was interviewing people on camera asking them where they find their happiness is in regard to "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness". I thought this was a great question. It made me think about the differances between joy, happiness and contentment. I believe these are definetley not one in the same. We need to make sure we are at peace with Christ as well as doing things that make us happy. (entertainment wise or otherwise) . Anyone every feel like you are just on survival mode and stuck in a routine? We are not obviously living our lives on the edge in Vegas but there has to be a middle ground where some fun comes in that gets our hearts beating a little bit more than oooo there is a new episode of "Rules of Engagement" on tonight! (really is a great show though). I know with my hubby's job there is the thrill of rushing into a building that is on fire. That is definetly an adrenaline rush. But stopping at target one more time because I forgot to buy wipes is just not on the same level. I vow to make a list of things I enjoy. Things that get my heart pumping and make me feel alive and I vow to start doing some of these things because I am not dead yet and I want to live. Once I come up with this marvelous list I will share it with you, my blog friends and you can then bug me about it later to make sure I have starting "living" on another level. Might I add that I love my husband, chidren, friends, church, etc. and would no way want to trade any of that in for anything not on God's path. I think I just need a hobby. One night a week where I do something exciting. :-)

It is 11:23 in the morning. Where are you? Are you at work taking a break? Are you home listening to kids running around in the background? Are you supposed to be doing somehting important but are blogging instead? or checking email?

Growing Up in my 30's: Hair and Share...

Growing Up in my 30's: Hair and Share...