Put down the laptop!

Ok. So apparently I have a problem. A "staying connected to the world at all times" problem. I am constantly texting or on my computer. I need to find another hobby. Maybe this is a stay at home mom thing. Here are the things I have learned this month:

1. It really really sucks to want what you can't have.

2. People are generally not what they appear to be at first introduction.

3. A special memory for you may not mean "squat" to someone else.

4. Almost Nothing beats a girls night out!

5. Everyone has baggage. Some are heavier and more twisted than others.

6. I really need to learn to swim better.

7. I want to become a spy. Female James Bond/Jennifer Garner in Alias kiss butt type.

8. What happens in Vegas isn't always fun.

9. Just because you never liked onions before doesn't mean that one day they won't be all you can think about.

10. I really do look best in self portraits.

11. If you have a messed up sense of humor, which I am proud of, Tosh.O is really the funniest show ever.

I had the thought, that I should avoid my technology for the week and spend time cleaning, or organizing or packing up Matt's crap. But instead I decided to write about how I will try to stop writing and texting for a few hours. Then and only then when I feel like being done wasting time. I will go work out like crazy. I could be officially single here before fall and gosh darnit I am gonna look goooooooooood.

Serenity exists

There is something very serene about sitting by the water and contemplating one's life. The summer has just begun for Lily and will start soon for Samantha as well. I think it is going to be a great summer actually. I feel like since Matthew has left I have actually begun to enjoy my children more than ever. One of many silver linings amidst the storm. I have a new list of goals and none of them have to do with making sure my bath tub is clean. Yeah!! This is going to be the summer of fun. Hopefully free fun. I feel blessed to have some great new friends that I truly believe God brought into my life at just the right time. He is so good at doing that. At the end of the summer I would like to say that I had a great time with my kids and that I am a better person as of August than I was at the end of May. I believe now is the best time to change whatever I need to change about myself and stay focused on being who God wants me to be, not being who others want me to be on their "what Tara needs to change" list.

That reminds me of a song...

It is a hot sunny Saturday afternoon. I am going through my girls' room finding clothes they don't wear anymore to ship off to Goodwill. I have my iTunes music library on continuous play but keep having to come into the room to hit the skip button. Today, as like many days this month, I am feeling contemplative. Some people do not wear their heart on their sleeve like I do but that is just how I was built. I like people to know that I am real and transparent an if my world feels like it is falling apart, it probably will be hard for me to hide. I do NOT truly feel that my world IS falling apart right now though. Things are tough for sure. I feel like I am now completely responsible for three little kiddos in the category of building their character, identity, self worth, social skills, spiritual upbringing etc. I could go on. I have a responsibility even bigger than before. But as God reminded me around 3 in the morning the other night. I am NOT doing it all alone. Although sometimes it does feel like that, I try not to go by feelings. They can't be trusted. I am also reminded of a song by Truth from the early nineties called "Keep Believing" it goes like this...

Keep believing, no matter what you do. Keep believing you know the Lord will see you through, when there are trials, in your life and you don't know what to do, you'll be fine if you just keep believing.

I have had well intended people remind me recently that God will not give us more than we can handle. Although I believe they are quoting a verse in the Bible that is about temptation, I do know that I can handle it all "In Christ". Which reminds me of a song by..... that says,
In Christ I can do all things
In Christ

I mount up on eagle's wings
In Christ I wait for a great reward
That I have in store
In Christ I have His righteousness
In Christ I have what I confess
In Christ I don't worry about all the rest
Cause everything I need to be is in Christ. by Big Daddy Weave.

The best reminders of course are from God's word. A place I need to spend lots more time in for sure. I know that I know I would be more at peace with my future if I did.

Lamentations 3:22-24
The unfailing love of the LORD never ends! By his mercies we have been kept from complete destruction. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each day. I say to myself, "The LORD is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!"

I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if God will work the way I want him to, BUT IF HE DOESN'T, He will take care of me. He will take care of my finances. He will take care of my children. He will take care of my heart. He will take care of my future and all that is going to happen.

I sat in my grandfather's funeral recently and sang these words, "All I have needed thy had hath provided, Great is thy faithfullness Lord unto me.

For those following my drama, please continue to pray for all involved, for the comfort of my children, for Matt and for me. Pray that God will change whatever needs to be changed in all of our hearts and that we make honoring Him more important than anything else. Until then...

Weight loss challenge - day 1

Well I decided to start blogging about my weight loss journey. I gained 75 pounds with this last pregnancy and was already 25 past where I wanted to be when I got pregnant. Here is my babyfit.com blog....

http://my.babyfit.com/tlee32%20 check it out!

The Van

Well today is the day. I go from the driver of a Nissan Altima to a Plymouth Voyager minivan. The van (minus the engine)was given to us by my mother when she bought a new one and we just used our tax refund to get it a engine. This afternoon we go to pick it up. I am so very grateful for this so that this soon to be family of five (holy cow) can ride together in the car. Have to admit I am having a mini identity crisis. It will be over by tomorrow I am sure. .

I was trying to think of ways that I could "funk it out" a bit but realize that may just make it look stupid. I am sure there is some way to try to make it my own, not sure what that is yet. I actually googled "how to make your minivan seem cooler" and there weren't any answers!!! There was one article saying that minivans are evil though. I hope one day we can upgrade to an SUV of sorts.

I am grateful that God has blessed me with little ones and hope to be the best mommy ever to them. It is a learning process for sure. I do not have it all figured out yet. I keep having to apologize for different things. Thankfully my sweet children say things like, "It is ok mommy, I forgive you". I am reading through and studying Esther right now. I am reminded of when Mordecai is encouraging Esther to get on with it and says something like, "who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?" I will just have to consider this minivan my "throne", or my chariot. It is a symbol of God's blessings. My reminder of the stage of my life I am in, be thankful for it and truly treasure every moment of it. From car line to playground.

I may add some funky daisies to the mirror or a kickin' stereo just for fun.

Well duh!!!!

God gave me another ah-ha moment today. I was frustrated with Lily. I had told her for the trillionth time to not jump on the sofa or she would fall and get hurt. I told her she shouldn't even be standing up there. It was a baaaaaaad idea. Of course I left for a minute and heard the thud and then the crying. I came back in, consoled her and had a chat with her. I reminded her that mommy and daddy make up the rules to help them to not get hurt. She didn't listen to me, she did what she wanted "thinking it was safe" and ended up getting hurt. Trying to show compassion I didn't say anything to her like "Well duh!!!!". I was instantly taken to a conversation with God about the same thing. He doesn't make up his guidelines to be a cosmic kill joy. He knows what is best for us and doesn't want us to get hurt. Makes me feel so completely stupid that I myself act like a two year old still at times with my life. I am so grateful that God is compassionate with me and I pray that I will become that compassionate with my children. Sadly we don't have the ah-has until we fall off the sofa, bang our head on the coffee table and get dizzy as we cry in pain. That old country song about "one step forward and two steps back" feels like my my life pretty much from 18 on. Consistently inconsistent. It is what I am good at. Hopefully, prayerfully I will get better at this with age. I hope to be an example to my children of not doing the same stupid thing over and over and getting hurt over and over without "getting a clue". I want the clue. I want wisdom and discernment. I want to grow and actually be in a different place this time next week, next month, next year...I know how to get there, I just keep tripping.

Thank you Father for reminding me of your faithful, compassionate love for me and for knowing what is best for me, even now.

Things to do before I die.

List of things I want to do before I die...

(not in any special order)

1. Learn how to surf.
2. Sing the national anthem in a big stadium
3. Be on a billboard
4. Write a book
5. Go to Capri, Italy
6. Number 6 is a GREAT one but I am not gonna reveal it to ya. ;)
7. Learn how to cook seafood. Never done it.
8. Be able to do a back hand spring (could never get it in HS, all the other cheerleaders could)
9. Take my kids with me on a mission trip.


I am sure there is more, I just can't think of them today. TTFN.

T'lee