2011-The year of preparation.

It is time to write down my thoughts. This morning my father said to me (with props/visual aids) that you have to stop trying to give your heart to someone if they keep saying "no thank you" and then try again and they say no thank you....eventually you will meet someone and without even thinking or planning it you will each want to talk to each other more and will both be giving the "heart cup" back and forth to each other and it won't have to be pushed, or rejected or even planned. This is wise advice.

BTW: Did I mention today's post is more of a journal entry.

I spoke with one of my dearest friends this week and said that I seem to have a pattern of really wanting someone after they reject me, even more so than before. So, this is not a good healthy pattern. I have had too much heart ache in the last year...from 1) someone who had promised to love me and then 2) from someone else that I believed actually did. (didn't see that one coming)

So what now? I wait, I prepare myself for the prince to come that God has for me. If I knew that one year today we would meet then down the line live happily ever after, what would I do in preparation. I would heal from my hurts, I would spend that time with God every day that I know I need to spend, I would get healthy/skinny/in shape so on my wedding day I am not horrified by the pictures and so I don't mind someone seeing me naked!! Oh come on, you knew that was coming from me! So, I have decided that 2011 is the year of preparation. A time to start good patterns and let go of old ones, let go of lost loves, lost hurts and lost gift cards (that I really wish would appear so I could go shopping for new skinny 2012 me).

I also need to make the most of my time with my children now, not wait and hold out to make fun memories once there is a man around. Lord, Help me with that one! (as well as all the other things I mentioned above).

Preparations have begun...

Online Dating

Well I have been divorced for a month and have been doing a little research in the world of online dating. Here are my thoughts:

1. No picture = realllllly ugly

2. Picture where they are the size of an ant - not a good sign

3. Instant messaging = guys get to bug you to see if you want to have the "sexy talk"

4. No one looks like what they say they look like.

5. If someone is long winded online they will be unbearably chatty in person.

6. If someone asks if you want to see some "fun pictures", he doesn't mean pictures of his new kitten or pictures at his niece's birthday party.

That's all. Felt compelled to share.

Suddenly Single

I have told those close to me over the past few months that I have felt like I am standing on the beach with my feet stuck in the sand. I am standing there waiting for a huge tidal wave to come and crash down upon me and there is nothing I can do but stand there and wait. Well it has been ten days since my divorce became final. So far I am doing alright. The tidal wave wasn't as bad as I was expecting. More like a small painful ripple. The preliminary "big moments" were actually worse. I have never in my life thrown up because of stress but ended up pulling my car over more than once during the six months of separation.
Here is what I have learned so far...
1. You really do feel better after you barf. :-)
2. God really does carry us through the hard times.
3. I must trust Him for my daily manna in multiple categories.
4. I am guessing dating in my mid thirties is going to be way different then when I was 20.
5. You really find out who your friends are when you go through a big life crisis like this. I think I have blogged about that point before but DUDE it needed to be mentioned again.
6. It is amazing how you can bond with random people at the Dr.'s, the bank, etc. by mentioning your going through a divorce.
7. After watching the musical Respect this weekend, I was contemplative if I am going to be the kind of girl that sits by the phone this time around and waits for Mr. Fabulous to call or if I am going to live my life and not let those things consume me. I am voting for option B. I deserve respect this time around. I deserve to be told I am beautiful. I deserve to be adored and gosh darnit I am kinda looking forward to all that!!!
8. I have heard so many stories of people leaving churches because of some little thing they didn't agree with or because someone hurt their feelings or judged them etc.... so I would like to add NO church is perfect. There will be no perfect group of friends or perfect pastor anywhere. We all need to get over it. There will be people that will judge how I handle my new singleness. How long to wait to date... etc. There seem to be so many unspoken rules that I can't seem to know them all or get them all right. But I have been really impressed with how most of the believers I know have treated me so far through all this. This is the time when we need each other's love and support. We need to "fill in the gap" for each other. That is what we are supposed to be doing as Christians not sitting around on our catookis pointing fingers. Just my opinion. Thank you to all my sweet friends who have gone to court with me, sent emails, sent flowers, sent enchiladas (w00 hoo), bought me Sangria etc. I am so very very grateful for all the support large or small. Love ya! Kiss Kiss!
9. My next blog will NOT be titled Sex In The City. hee hee. But maybe I can make a fun blog of my dating adventures. Details to follow... Till then don't worry about those tidal waves. Their bark is worse than their bite.

Put down the laptop!

Ok. So apparently I have a problem. A "staying connected to the world at all times" problem. I am constantly texting or on my computer. I need to find another hobby. Maybe this is a stay at home mom thing. Here are the things I have learned this month:

1. It really really sucks to want what you can't have.

2. People are generally not what they appear to be at first introduction.

3. A special memory for you may not mean "squat" to someone else.

4. Almost Nothing beats a girls night out!

5. Everyone has baggage. Some are heavier and more twisted than others.

6. I really need to learn to swim better.

7. I want to become a spy. Female James Bond/Jennifer Garner in Alias kiss butt type.

8. What happens in Vegas isn't always fun.

9. Just because you never liked onions before doesn't mean that one day they won't be all you can think about.

10. I really do look best in self portraits.

11. If you have a messed up sense of humor, which I am proud of, Tosh.O is really the funniest show ever.

I had the thought, that I should avoid my technology for the week and spend time cleaning, or organizing or packing up Matt's crap. But instead I decided to write about how I will try to stop writing and texting for a few hours. Then and only then when I feel like being done wasting time. I will go work out like crazy. I could be officially single here before fall and gosh darnit I am gonna look goooooooooood.

Serenity exists

There is something very serene about sitting by the water and contemplating one's life. The summer has just begun for Lily and will start soon for Samantha as well. I think it is going to be a great summer actually. I feel like since Matthew has left I have actually begun to enjoy my children more than ever. One of many silver linings amidst the storm. I have a new list of goals and none of them have to do with making sure my bath tub is clean. Yeah!! This is going to be the summer of fun. Hopefully free fun. I feel blessed to have some great new friends that I truly believe God brought into my life at just the right time. He is so good at doing that. At the end of the summer I would like to say that I had a great time with my kids and that I am a better person as of August than I was at the end of May. I believe now is the best time to change whatever I need to change about myself and stay focused on being who God wants me to be, not being who others want me to be on their "what Tara needs to change" list.

That reminds me of a song...

It is a hot sunny Saturday afternoon. I am going through my girls' room finding clothes they don't wear anymore to ship off to Goodwill. I have my iTunes music library on continuous play but keep having to come into the room to hit the skip button. Today, as like many days this month, I am feeling contemplative. Some people do not wear their heart on their sleeve like I do but that is just how I was built. I like people to know that I am real and transparent an if my world feels like it is falling apart, it probably will be hard for me to hide. I do NOT truly feel that my world IS falling apart right now though. Things are tough for sure. I feel like I am now completely responsible for three little kiddos in the category of building their character, identity, self worth, social skills, spiritual upbringing etc. I could go on. I have a responsibility even bigger than before. But as God reminded me around 3 in the morning the other night. I am NOT doing it all alone. Although sometimes it does feel like that, I try not to go by feelings. They can't be trusted. I am also reminded of a song by Truth from the early nineties called "Keep Believing" it goes like this...

Keep believing, no matter what you do. Keep believing you know the Lord will see you through, when there are trials, in your life and you don't know what to do, you'll be fine if you just keep believing.

I have had well intended people remind me recently that God will not give us more than we can handle. Although I believe they are quoting a verse in the Bible that is about temptation, I do know that I can handle it all "In Christ". Which reminds me of a song by..... that says,
In Christ I can do all things
In Christ

I mount up on eagle's wings
In Christ I wait for a great reward
That I have in store
In Christ I have His righteousness
In Christ I have what I confess
In Christ I don't worry about all the rest
Cause everything I need to be is in Christ. by Big Daddy Weave.

The best reminders of course are from God's word. A place I need to spend lots more time in for sure. I know that I know I would be more at peace with my future if I did.

Lamentations 3:22-24
The unfailing love of the LORD never ends! By his mercies we have been kept from complete destruction. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each day. I say to myself, "The LORD is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!"

I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if God will work the way I want him to, BUT IF HE DOESN'T, He will take care of me. He will take care of my finances. He will take care of my children. He will take care of my heart. He will take care of my future and all that is going to happen.

I sat in my grandfather's funeral recently and sang these words, "All I have needed thy had hath provided, Great is thy faithfullness Lord unto me.

For those following my drama, please continue to pray for all involved, for the comfort of my children, for Matt and for me. Pray that God will change whatever needs to be changed in all of our hearts and that we make honoring Him more important than anything else. Until then...