The Second Act...

The second act will begin shortly, just after a brief intermission….

 This summer has been a summer of blessings.  It would take too long to list all the ways God has blown me away this summer, but I can testify that God sure does take care of His own.  The last three years have been a roller coaster.  Some valleys, some mountain tops and a whole lot of coasting and clinging to Jesus.  I can say that I have learned to delight in my Savior and in His word in a way I haven’t before.  Being a “good Christian girl”, I frequently had my “quiet times with God” because I knew it was the right thing to do, because I wanted to learn and have that time with Him.  But, I would say through the pain of "being left", I  have truly learned and been able to experience truly delighting in the Lord.  My mother had taught me the Bible verse years ago: “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart” Psalm 37:4.  I even sat through an entire Beth Moore simulcast about that particular verse but don’t think I truly understood the “delighting” part until this year.

A new chapter of my life is beginning shortly.  This end of my Alimony years/Being a stay-at-home mom is soon to be over.  What will I do next?  I haven’t the foggiest! I am praying for wisdom, direction and doors to be opened.  

I continue to learn about forgiveness.  God is so very good to give us extra chances and I am desperately learning and trying to understand how to take that overwhelming sense of gratitude I have to Him for His forgiveness of me, and transfer that to those I know I need to forgive the most. This summer I have been brought to my knees like never before. Having God humble you is just not fun, but I wouldn't trade that experience in for anything.  Whatever it takes to chip away anything in me that needs to be chipped away at...I am willing.

I know my heart’s desire. God knows my heart’s desire. Many of you know my heart’s desire. But only God knows when THAT particular chapter of my life will begin.  But now, during this intermission, I am learning to love my Savior like never before.  I used to watch people in church who I could tell were just praising Jesus with complete abandonment, not a care in the world, just in awe of their King.  I thought that was nice that they were so on fire for Jesus.  But, somewhere in me, I guess I still cared a little bit what people would think if everyone in the church was sitting and I was the only one standing there, hands high in the sky, with tears running down my face.  These days, I can’t seem to make it through church without tears, not the tears of pain and abandonment, but tears of awe and gratitude.  “How great, how awesome is He”!

I have tried to journal the past three years for my kids so they could see all the ways God has provided.  So they would be able to read back one day on how their mommy learned to make God her strength, her joy and her delight.  I know myself,  I know I will probably screw up in some way in the next 24 hours, but Thank God his mercies are new every morning.  Since the divorce rate is so very high these days, I know, sadly, that I will see more people I know go through what I went through. I am definitely not saying I have arrived, but I can say what helped me.  I can share that the only way to make it through is to cling to Jesus, let Him heal your heart and clean out whatever ugly there is inside of you that needs to be cleaned out.

If God ever decides to send romantic love my way, from a man that Loves the Lord above all else, I look forward to honoring God by honoring my future husband.  For now,  I am trying to make my home a Christ centered home.  I am excited though about my kids one day seeing our home led by a man that loves Jesus so very much and can encourage them daily in their walks as well. 

Whatever happens in my future, I know God will be with my family.  I wish I could so clearly convey to my friends who do not know Jesus, just how very real and awesome He is.  He has blown us away this summer.  I have loved the past few weeks being able to tell any single person who would listen about what God has done for me and my kids recently. I just love being able to testify!

Pray for us the next thirty days with all the changes that will be taking place that we continue to grow, delight, and cling to Him.

"I keep my eyes always on the LORD. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken." Psalm 16:8

Held high

I used to be a cheerleader.  Not a very good one...but that is not the point of this blog.  I talked to someone recently who said my mother and I were the unsinkable Molly Browns (Titanic reference).  I thought this was awesome.  My mother and I have been through a lot the last few years.  In the middle of the night that this dear lady told me that, I woke up and was deep in thought. We have been unsinkable but not because of our own strength.  We have made it through so far because of relying on Christ.  I was trying to figure out the right analogy for how God has sustained me through all this.  It made me think of cheerleading. I pictured a Arabesque cheerleading stunt.  I first thought that God was my "spotter", but then I realized that that word wasn't exactly right.  A spotter is there to catch you in case you fall.  Sometimes we DO fall, and God is there for us when we do.  But then I decided that God is my "base".  He is the one that holds me high and sustains me.  I have to admit I am a little wobbly up there...not because my Base isn't secure, but because sometimes I start looking around and forget to stay focused.  My Base is more like a rock...unwavering, unchanging, and always 100% strong and reliable.  I am so grateful for a God that I can truly trust.  My world was rocked back in 2010.  Sometimes that happens.  On Big Brother they always says Expect the Unexpected.  Well shoot...2010 was unexpected.  But my God shall supply all my needs...home, food, $ and some day love.

I am done...PART 2

Here is the verse I have prayed about that I believe God showed to me recently....(thanks Amy and Jennifer) for verification.

The LORD says, “Forget what happened before,
and do not think about the past.
Look at the new thing I am going to do.
It is already happening. Don’t you see it?
I will make a road in the desert
and rivers in the dry land."

Isaiah 43:18-19 NCV


I have no idea what God has in store for me in 2012. No idea at all.  I know what I want, but I know my ways are not HIS ways.  Hopefully this year I will learn to trust HIM with my heart and my life and all that that includes.


So in 2012, I am done trying to do it all on my own.  I will learn to lean... watch this..


http://youtu.be/R7BAfzrWnZU

Staying on the path

Well I just noticed that I have not update my blog in a while.  Since December, a lot has changed.  I feel as though God has continued to heal my heart from past hurts and is teaching me to trust Him and enjoy Him more than ever.  Some people I was close to this time last year I am not close to now which is sad, but I know sometimes friendships are for a season.  I am learning more about God's grace and what that truly means.  It is a word that has been part of our "churchese" for years but I think I know its depth now more than ever.  I have seen so many families fall apart this year.  It has to break God's heart every time that happens.  We have to ask ourselves if we truly believe what we say we believe then it has to affect every area of our lives.  Enough with the giving yourself exceptions or justifying away your actions...God says if we love Him we will follow His commands.  I want to do this, not because I am trying to appear like a good girl and follow all the rules, but because I want Him pleased with me.  I don't want to disappoint Him.  This is a time for me to focus on what lies ahead and "throw off everything that hinders".  This journey of faith isn't an easy one.  This journey as a single woman with Lupus and mother of three little ones,  reallllllly not an easy one.  But God continues to provide, continues to sustain and continues to be faithful.

2011-The year of preparation.

It is time to write down my thoughts. This morning my father said to me (with props/visual aids) that you have to stop trying to give your heart to someone if they keep saying "no thank you" and then try again and they say no thank you....eventually you will meet someone and without even thinking or planning it you will each want to talk to each other more and will both be giving the "heart cup" back and forth to each other and it won't have to be pushed, or rejected or even planned. This is wise advice.

BTW: Did I mention today's post is more of a journal entry.

I spoke with one of my dearest friends this week and said that I seem to have a pattern of really wanting someone after they reject me, even more so than before. So, this is not a good healthy pattern. I have had too much heart ache in the last year...from 1) someone who had promised to love me and then 2) from someone else that I believed actually did. (didn't see that one coming)

So what now? I wait, I prepare myself for the prince to come that God has for me. If I knew that one year today we would meet then down the line live happily ever after, what would I do in preparation. I would heal from my hurts, I would spend that time with God every day that I know I need to spend, I would get healthy/skinny/in shape so on my wedding day I am not horrified by the pictures and so I don't mind someone seeing me naked!! Oh come on, you knew that was coming from me! So, I have decided that 2011 is the year of preparation. A time to start good patterns and let go of old ones, let go of lost loves, lost hurts and lost gift cards (that I really wish would appear so I could go shopping for new skinny 2012 me).

I also need to make the most of my time with my children now, not wait and hold out to make fun memories once there is a man around. Lord, Help me with that one! (as well as all the other things I mentioned above).

Preparations have begun...

Online Dating

Well I have been divorced for a month and have been doing a little research in the world of online dating. Here are my thoughts:

1. No picture = realllllly ugly

2. Picture where they are the size of an ant - not a good sign

3. Instant messaging = guys get to bug you to see if you want to have the "sexy talk"

4. No one looks like what they say they look like.

5. If someone is long winded online they will be unbearably chatty in person.

6. If someone asks if you want to see some "fun pictures", he doesn't mean pictures of his new kitten or pictures at his niece's birthday party.

That's all. Felt compelled to share.

Suddenly Single

I have told those close to me over the past few months that I have felt like I am standing on the beach with my feet stuck in the sand. I am standing there waiting for a huge tidal wave to come and crash down upon me and there is nothing I can do but stand there and wait. Well it has been ten days since my divorce became final. So far I am doing alright. The tidal wave wasn't as bad as I was expecting. More like a small painful ripple. The preliminary "big moments" were actually worse. I have never in my life thrown up because of stress but ended up pulling my car over more than once during the six months of separation.
Here is what I have learned so far...
1. You really do feel better after you barf. :-)
2. God really does carry us through the hard times.
3. I must trust Him for my daily manna in multiple categories.
4. I am guessing dating in my mid thirties is going to be way different then when I was 20.
5. You really find out who your friends are when you go through a big life crisis like this. I think I have blogged about that point before but DUDE it needed to be mentioned again.
6. It is amazing how you can bond with random people at the Dr.'s, the bank, etc. by mentioning your going through a divorce.
7. After watching the musical Respect this weekend, I was contemplative if I am going to be the kind of girl that sits by the phone this time around and waits for Mr. Fabulous to call or if I am going to live my life and not let those things consume me. I am voting for option B. I deserve respect this time around. I deserve to be told I am beautiful. I deserve to be adored and gosh darnit I am kinda looking forward to all that!!!
8. I have heard so many stories of people leaving churches because of some little thing they didn't agree with or because someone hurt their feelings or judged them etc.... so I would like to add NO church is perfect. There will be no perfect group of friends or perfect pastor anywhere. We all need to get over it. There will be people that will judge how I handle my new singleness. How long to wait to date... etc. There seem to be so many unspoken rules that I can't seem to know them all or get them all right. But I have been really impressed with how most of the believers I know have treated me so far through all this. This is the time when we need each other's love and support. We need to "fill in the gap" for each other. That is what we are supposed to be doing as Christians not sitting around on our catookis pointing fingers. Just my opinion. Thank you to all my sweet friends who have gone to court with me, sent emails, sent flowers, sent enchiladas (w00 hoo), bought me Sangria etc. I am so very very grateful for all the support large or small. Love ya! Kiss Kiss!
9. My next blog will NOT be titled Sex In The City. hee hee. But maybe I can make a fun blog of my dating adventures. Details to follow... Till then don't worry about those tidal waves. Their bark is worse than their bite.